My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
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Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My purse is deeper than some people.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
This is Sparta
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.