on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
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“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.