Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally