I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.