I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
You Might Also Like
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!