Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
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I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes