twitter users today:
You Might Also Like
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
no one ever comes back
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.