We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
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Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave