Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
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I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
LOL
✌🏽
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.