“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
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*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?