*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
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I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
what?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
That time Alicia messaged me
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Every photo I’m tagged in
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)