No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
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In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My new favorite headline
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store