So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
You Might Also Like
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.