[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
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my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Not all heroes wear capes…