10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
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Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me trying to “trust the process”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.