4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
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this is the greatest thing ever
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.