6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
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A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked