Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..