May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]