My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
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#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.