If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
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Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?