I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
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I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?