[plot twist] ur buried vertically
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How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Risking my life for fun.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I get distracted pretty eas
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.