I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
You Might Also Like
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’