Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
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Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito