“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
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My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.