don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.