Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
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ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
opening a flower shop called women in stem
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants