“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.