If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
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4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Just this preview of the story is enough
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.