Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
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I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.