Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
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Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.