me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
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I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me