“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
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Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already