the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
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Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Not helping
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle