It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
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God has abandoned us.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things