My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
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I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.