If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Born to be mild.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.