then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
You Might Also Like
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
*jingles half the way*
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*