i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
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me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.