I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
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I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
My boss called in sick of me
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I’m not stressed
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.