Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
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Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
“I’m helping” 😅
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
A classic…
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.