“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
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Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
*puts words between two asterisks*
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.