A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
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You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma