me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
not to brag, but mine was free
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written