ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
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“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses: