The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
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Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Stop being racist to kettles.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Uh oh…
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.