Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*