Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
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Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update