Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
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Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid